Floral Beauty - a photo on Flickriver

Floral Beauty

            Photography: David Gilliver
Hair & Makeup: Mish Bratsos
Modelling & Retouching: Kelly Kooper

I was telling my stepdad a few weeks ago about something that happened in April this year on our last weekend trip up to Mathoura to see Dad. My stepdad thought it was so funny that I thought I'd share it with you all.

Everyone has different beliefs about the afterlife. I choose to believe our loved ones are still with us in spirit form because I'd personally prefer that over them not existing in any form. I have no proof of this, of course, just a known confirmation bias that I will always be looking for evidence of something I hope is true. 

In April this year, I had what I think has been the biggest sign that Mum is still around. Again, I'm fully aware she may not be but if she's not, it's one hell of a coincidence.

My youngest brother, his girlfriend, our close family friend and I were visiting Dad and his (ugh) partner that weekend. Dad had started giving us things from the house that he wanted us to keep. Some of the things he gave me were 4 boxes of family photos, along with assorted random bits of paper that were mostly certificates, old media articles, company documents etc. I only glanced through them at the time but I went through many of the old photos with Dad and we learnt more about him. I always loved listening to Dad tell stories from his past. As a creative person, I was always able to easily visualise the situations he'd describe. These memories will always be some of my favourite times with him.

At separate times over the weekend Dad had pulled both of my youngest brother and I aside and asked us to please look in on his partner afterwards. That he worried about her and would like to know that she was being checked up on. For many reasons neither of us were thrilled with this request, though we (of course) had expected it. My youngest brother told me later he wrote it off pretty quickly. He has plenty of good reasons not to want to keep in contact with her and I fully supported and understood his decision. Mistakes of the past should never be brought into your future if you can help it.

I struggled a bit more after our conversation. I'm sure it's pretty clear by now if you've been reading my posts for awhile that I/we couldn't stand her. She has always been that nuisance that we had to tolerate for Dad but we never enjoyed being around her. We found her insipid, small minded and incredibly selfish. She was/is a terrible mother and, unsurprisingly, a largely absent grandparent as well. Our family was very fortunate to have an incredible mother who was always there for her children and had an unending amount of love and support for those she adored. Also unsurprisingly, Mum always disliked Dad's partner. She felt sorry for her kids, who were always second to her own needs, and was always encouraging us to recognise how difficult her kids had it in comparison to us. We knew but, as is typical of kids, we were just relieved not to be them. As an adult, I genuinely sympathise and realise they deserved the upbringing we had as well but were simply unlucky to be born to the wrong person. I feel for them.

Anyhow, that weekend, I was agonizing over staying in touch with Dad's partner afterwards. I knew I didn't want to and I had told Dad as much but I struggled with whether it was the 'right' thing to do.

I was still thinking about this as I brought the last of the 4 boxes of family photos to my car that Saturday afternoon. The sun was out and it was slightly windy. I'd just put the last box in the car when a random piece of paper flew out and I had to chase after it to retrieve it. As I got back to the car to put this paper back into the box, I glanced down and then literally just stopped and stared at it. I couldn't believe what I was looking at. I didn't even know it existed and here it was being (accidentally) handed to me and essentially giving me the answer to my moral dilemma.

It was a letter from Mum's lawyer to Dad's lawyer during the final stages of their divorce in 1996. In it, Mum's lawyer told Dad's lawyer that if Dad's partner didn't stop harassing and abusing Mum, that Mum would have no choice but to take out a restraining order against her. 

I had no idea that was even happening at the time. Mum had talked about how nasty Dad's partner was and how tacky she was when she'd turn up to my brother's basketball games in short mini skirts. We figured she had nothing else going for her and had to work with the little she had. We largely ignored her. Now it pains me to think of what Mum had to endure from her. I wish she had told us but then again, it's not like we could have hated her more. 

In that instant, my mind was made up. 

I used to say to Mum when she was sick that I worried about making the wrong decisions without her. She was my voice of reason and I didn't trust myself to do the right thing without the guidance I relied so heavily on her for.

I needed to see that letter. I needed a reminder, on top of all of the other evidence that had piled up over the years, of who I was dealing with. Emotion can often override logic and, as an emotional person, I had always needed Mum's input to ensure I was making the right decisions for the right reasons.

I believe Mum is still giving me her input, especially that day. It's not in the form either of us would have chosen but it's as clear-cut as I can hope for under the circumstances. 

I miss you Mum.

Taken on: October 12, 2024

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