Identity and Companionship - a photo on Flickriver

            I am an only child and what that really means is that I spent a great deal of time learning how to exist in the world both alone and lonely.  Unlike many kids today who grow up with constant entertainment through the internet screens, I had to learn to use my imagination to fill my extra time.  It also meant that I had to get used to having strong feelings and have no place for them outside of myself. 

For many years when I was a kid, I really wanted to have as many friends as possible and be the popular one at school.  But, I soon realized I had developed opinions that were very different from most kids at school.  For instance, I hated Barbie (still do!) and I thought Vanilla Ice was.a thief and that Freddie Mercury (though dying of AIDS at the time) should make him rue the day he ever stepped in front of a microphone.  (Most of my friends were developing dance routines to "Ice Ice Baby". So yeah...). For the record, I still detest the person and the song. 

You can try to make friends and influence people but if you're a person like me, you tend to think you've given up something genuine about yourself that way.  Eventually, you realize you are better off alone. 

Then, Cinchel came along and I really couldn't believe it was possible to have this kind of connection with another human.  I know some would rather be solitary forever but, for me, the thought of losing him is devastating. 

Still, after Trump won the election recently, maybe my old solitary child need for space reappeared.  Basically, even if you surround yourself with well meaning people, you can still never escape your own self.  I had friends and family calling but I just wanted to be away from everything, especially my own head space.  And, when you work in a public sphere and you have to  function and not fall apart and succumb to hysterical crying all day, it is exhausting to say the least. I realize we all do this to some extent unless you're the human on the street corner literally screaming non stop until someone attacks or arrests you. There is a persistent sense in my mind, though, that there are a great deal of people who are disinterested and don't connect the impact of choices or lack of choices.  Maybe they end up happier or not....I'm not really sure. No one can ever truly know what is like to be another human being. 

In any case, when you reach a certain level of depression, you don't even want people around you who you care for deeply because you don't want them to have to witness you at your worst, even when they are willing.  It is likely that, as in that expression "You contain multitudes" that we are not so simple as we appear on the surface.  There are quite a few complex layers of human consciousness to contend with and they might not all agree with each other. 

Today is Thanksgiving in America, which is nice that we have one day designated to be grateful for others while the other 364 days we are competitive, bitter, and spiteful.  Well, I try not to be this way.  But, you see it with extreme capitalism that these systems drive us to the point of being different selves and ones I wouldn't want to have even a basic conversation with. 

Let's be thankful for those humans who have seen our true selves and still choose to share some of their time on Earth with us.  We can be thankful for solitude too..for quiet moments and presence within moments without the world weighing on us.  

I don't define myself by other people but I doubt I would still exist in this reality as a living breathing entity without certain people. 

I hope you find peace today.

**All photos are copyrighted. **

Taken on: June 28, 2023

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reflection

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loneliness

companionship

devastation

depression

selves

consciousness

philosophy

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Camera: Canon EOS 5DS R, f/18.0, 1/100 sec, 67mm, ISO 1600 (more info) (hide info)

Camera:	Canon EOS 5DS R
Lens:	EF24-70mm f/2.8L II USM
Aperture:	f/18.0
Exposure Time:	0.01 sec (1/100)
Focal Length:	67mm
ISO:	1600
Exposure Bias:	0 EV
Flash:	Off, Did not fire
Exposure Program:	Manual
Exposure Mode:	Manual
Metering Mode:	Multi-segment
White Balance:	Manual
Color Space:	sRGB
Software:	Adobe Photoshop 24.4 (Macintosh)
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