Old selfie me wearing a kilt as a scotsman and nail polish on one hand and quite a normal set of bleached hair

            this is me wearing a kilt (which I often did) I owned quite a lot "fake Kilts"  it was kind of the safe way of wearing a skirt in public...since I am not a scotsman (genetically or by culture) I usually had underwear underneath, but sometime at hot summers I shipped it to get a nice ventilation downstairs while drinking beer with friends... 

but since beer (often) contain alcohol the trick would be to mind not exposing one self while falling about or stagger and falling, that is unless you would like to make a complete "groundkeeper Willis" 

--------------------------------------------
Café Frequenters episode 165
--------------------------------------------

self-doubt, that was a word that wasn´t in Jimmy´s vocabulary, so why had it hit him in this ripe age at his autumn years?

Well not really autumn years since he was basically immortal since it came to natural aging and death by such!

...no Grey hair was ever discovered on his scalp, well except for when he died it gray for some of his undercover missions...

..But self-doubt where did that come from... actually thinking about what he did not just follow what was logically in the perspective of the mission!

...well I guess it has always been there, it had just increased by age, thinking had, that is thinking about things that mattered didn´t matter to the mission...

...how that woman behind the counter felt, how that clerk at the dole-office could stand his mundane boring job year after year...

...actually the first 85 years he didn´t reflect on stuff that had nothing to do with his missions or his own or his branch´s survival!

...if he snuffed an innocent bystander, that didn´t matter at all, off-cause, his boss wouldn´t like it and they had to send a clean up mission to cover his traces... and that was bad...

but the human or creature didn´t matter to him, he just did what he had to do...

Jimmy had to attend the skull-mender once a year as a formality, but he never said anything to the old woman hooked on freudian fantasies!

...she would ask him: so Jimmy how do you feel this year...
He would then reply: nothing...

then she would try to ask tricky questions to breach his wall of thorny defenses...

Like: don´t you ever wish to become a father?

How is you love-life...
How is your sex-life...
Do you have any empathy or remorse when you kill...

Jimmy would usually reply:

Non of your business ugly old bag!

or I have no love or sex-life I have only emotions towards the organization I server, they younger less experienced agents are my children...

...then she would usually wrinkle her already wrinkled forehead and just peek in to his face with those tiny blue eyes  hiding behind old-fashioned or not to say ancient glasses she carried on her repulsive head, just like she could read him like an open book....

Jimmy wondered if he should bring up his new feeling of doubt with her the next time they met?

...then he thought again, nah, they might see that like a form of weakness, perhaps it is a test bu the organization and that if he was shown to have some kind of internal conflict or doubt that would be reported up to the main flathat and he would be fired and what would Jimmy be without his work...???

--------

Hello Sunny! here is the next chapter... I thought about a thing, should I emit this chapter from the upcoming novel? I think it might destroy the image of Jimmy if he had almost normal feelings? what do you think? since you are a male and even a straight one, Perhaps not very butch but still! does this character  feel like a real manly male trying to push his emotions in to a corner and boost all feelings in a fake pride and joy of his work? 

...Oh anyhow, great time out last weekend, but why are you hanging on the snobbish square now? have you abandoned you roots among the sleazy pubs in the bohemian quarters?

Hugs, from Johnny!
The Epic saga!

Taken on: June 20, 2022

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