uncertainty calling - a photo on Flickriver

            Growing up, I never anticipated that the word mother would be so heavy. I never thought I'd hate myself so much in that role, or feel so powerful. I really never thought it would be like this. I can't yet define it. I don't want to. I'm living in a metamorphosis so profound that all I can do is write and reflect and create. 

This image - I wrote down words that defined motherhood to me. The one that I wrote down the most was "torn". Torn, because I am only his mother temporarily. Torn, because I know his mother is out there somewhere. Torn, because every time he calls me mommy I feel guilt and pride. Torn, because the foster care system shows you every bit of the best and worst of people. I want to be the best, and I don't feel worthy of it. 

Yesterday I had a call with our case worker. He told me they would like to move my foster son soon...said it so nonchalantly like it was a piece of furniture going to a new home. Nearly 5 months he's been with us. And still, I have no idea how to feel, or what to do, or how to advocate, or where the boundaries are. How do you celebrate Mother's Day when that word is so slippery, and you know it will be pulled out from under your feet? No answers. Just musings.

Here I leave you with a poem, and an image that sums up my feelings about my first Mother's Day as a mother:

"Uncertainty Calling", for my first baby.

I don't know if I love you
or if I want to love you
or if there is a difference.

What does intention count for?
Nothing, he says.
Everything, she says.

I was taught love by
Keats and Shelly and Neruda
and they said nothing of indecision.

I have loved with certainty
and pretended to love with certainty
and lost the certainty I once had.

I have loved with a boulder on my back
as I climbed a ladder to
a place I learned to call home.

I have loved full-lipped 
and quiet in whispers and shadows
with silence pronounced as vows.

But you - I love uncertainly.
It is a reckoning I cannot face - 
To love without knowing how.
   

Taken on: May 10, 2020

Tags:

self portrait

brooke shaden

conceptual art

mothers day

ropes

free

torn

broken

foster care

foster mom « less

Sets appears in: • Self Portraits

Stats: 38,135 views / 11 comments

close tools panel

Badge creator

Use Flickriver Badge Creator to create a badge linking to your photos, your group or any other Flickriver view.

You can place your badge on your Flickr profile, Blog or Website.

Add to your iGoogle or Netvibes page

Flickriver widget for iGoogle or Netvibes can display almost any Flickriver view - most interesting today, by user, by group, by tag etc. Once added to your personalized homepage, just edit widget settings to select your desired view.

Clickr on one of the buttons below to install:

Embed on your Web site

To embed this view, Copy and Paste the following HTML code:

Black background (preview):

White background (preview):

Firefox and Chrome addons

Adds a 'Flickriver' button to your browser. While viewing any Flickr photos page, click on this button to open the same view on Flickriver.

Install in Firefox
Install in Chrome

Search plugin

Add 'Search on Flickriver' to your browser's search box. Works with Firefox and Internet Explorer. Install search plugin

"View on Flickriver" Greasemonkey script

A Greasemonkey script that adds Flickriver links to various Flickr photo pages - user photos, favorites, pools etc, allowing to quickly open the corresponding Flickriver view.

Also, allows quickly viewing any Flickr photo on black background in large size.

Install "View on Flickriver" script

Bookmarklet

While viewing any Flickr photos page, click on the bookmarklet to open the same view on Flickriver.

To install: drag and drop the following link to your Bookmarks toolbar.
IE users - add the link to your Favorites under the Links folder