nightly visits

brookeshaden
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nightly visits
nightly visits

I've had night terrors for the past 8 years. They're common in kids, not so much in adults as less than 2% experience chronic terrors. A night terror is not a nightmare; it is an active state of full belief in a scary situation without being able to fully wake yourself from it. Mine manifest as insects all over my walls and ceiling, all over me, or sometimes giant flying bugs soaring toward my face. Recently I had one where I thought my bed was falling through the floor. I experience a night terror once a night, sometimes more. I wake up screaming and typically jump from bed full of adrenaline and run from the thing I think I'm seeing.

I read that night terrors in adults are very frequently linked with trauma. My night terrors escalated to a chronic degree after we took in Jude, our first foster child. They've continued to increase for the past 1.5 years since then.

Upon rediscovering my collection of dead bugs, I made this image in part about that experience. The plastic as a sign of feeling trapped, the bugs as my
rogue imagination, the nightgown a sign of sleep.

I've never slept well in my life. I wake on average 30 times per night, have had nightmares almost nightly as far back as I can remember, and never wake up feeling good. It's a good thing my mind is so excited about life even if my body rarely feels up to the task. I wake up each day eager to create, optimism unbridled, and that's what gets me out of bed in the morning. It feels good to come full circle with this piece that feels a little more connected to my real life.

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Taken on: June 18, 2021
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