All the flowers (read to understand)

            I don't like December 3rd. I'd have to have a child born that day to change my thinking. 

Without going into too much detail, this is the day I suffered my worst trauma. I suffered the worst violence and abuse all at once.
I didn't have a wonderful life, but after the trauma, a lot of things went downhill.

Anxiety grew and stole sleepless nights. Spending hours and hours without sleep and having terrible headaches as a result.

Depression elevated to severe status. Before, I already had depression, but it got worse and not even with help, it got better. The living nightmares of childhood came like monsters.
Life has become an ocean of gray. I still had to be happy. Had to praise praises, while only feeling pain.

I felt like god was taking a day to laugh at my misery.
Just when I thought the waters were calming, I suffered again. This time it was psychological and moral violence.

So, for that reason, I don't like that day.
However, there was something that happened because of that day. I had to dialogue more with my soul. Writing this text is a way of dialoguing with myself. I had to look deeper into what we call "I".

I went back to the picture to express it. In 2022 it was the year that I made the most powerful photographs. And a good part of these photographs never had a worthy reach. Many people didn't understand and others told me they were too artistic. One person even told me that I changed my photography too much. A lot by the way. 
Yes, that person is right.
He was right because I delved into the soul. I didn't make pictures about a happy and colorful childhood. On the contrary, I went back to my own childhood and faced my nightmares.

As a consequence, the photographs gained darker gray tones. And the color photographs gained more purple aspects, connecting with this melancholy tone.

I also invested more in creating story photos. I photographed and narrated about death, anguish, sadness, separation from parents, isolation.
It brought all the emotions experienced by me.
And I was very lucky, because the boys agreed to participate with me in the narratives.

But I also did something different.
I photographed hope. Without abandoning the monochrome tone palette, I photographed a hope for the future. Many photos, I took portraits of them playing, laughing, loving, and admiring the wonderful life they'll still to live.

And I, with another day on December 3rd, made the decision to say to myself: "i won't let those who violated me win. while your weapons are made of metals, mine are made of flowers. i will not give up, even who is still sad".

Thus was born the idea for this photograph. I named it "All the Flowers". And also "God turn me into a flower". And I also took the photo to prove to myself and everyone who asks me that yes, what I do is art and poetry. Well, I thought of the idea for the photo, I made a draft of it, I walked kilometers looking for the right flower branch and I still had to go after the ideal old book to let the flowers dry in the desired way.

I know that maybe I'll now have to live with depression and anxiety forever, but I want to love myself more. Be lighter with myself. Be more delicate. And smile more for small moments. Making me delicate like a flower.

💐🌹🌷🌺🌸️🌻🌼💮
   

Taken on: December 1, 2022

Tags:

conceptual

childhood

childportrait

childphotography

canon

candid

color

fineart

film

fineartportrait

family

fine

flower

flores

golden

grain

goldenhour

negative

naturallight

natural

light « less

Sets appears in: • Colors

Stats: 15,531 views / 16 comments